Nutfest Friday #2 | Auto Expert John Cadogan | Australia

Friday … a very tough day … second only to Monday. The weekend is so close – but yet so far. Over the next few minutes, relax, feel my nuts, and let Friday slip away. Up next, the bozos, bigots and/or bastards – comprising my top 10 YouTube nuts followed by the coveted ‘cock of the week’ award. So: Coming up: the top 10 nuts and my cock – it seems somewhat disproportionate … but also oddly stimulating.

Good safety tip: If you’re overly sensitive there are billions of cat videos you should click to now, and if you sit next to the HR chick, it’s headphone o’clock.

My cock and I deliberated long and hard again this week. Competition was very stiff. But the coveted Cock of the Week trophy – the commemorative chrome vanadium half-inch King Dick wrench … This week it goes to Isak Kerman, who offered me this unsolicited pseudoscientific bullshit advice:

“You’re wrong in one crutial thing in this video. diesel doesn’t withsand a higher compression than petrol since it is ignited by compression. the typical octane of diesel is 15-25 octane and are easy to ignite under preassure. i personally feel sick when driving/riding along in a diesel due to infrasounds so i have to take a break every hour or so not to puke, and this is the real reason why i would never buy or drive a diesel for any length of time. the problem with your argument “don’t get one with a partickel filter” is smog. releasing more of the harmful chemicals into the atmosphere (were you breathe) isn’t a good idea and should be avoided at all cost.”

Isak: the compression ratio of modern petrol engines range from about 10 to one, to 13 to one. For diesels it’s from about 14 to 22. It’s roughly double the compression for diesel, when you take the turbocharger into account. This is specifically because diesel can tolerate more compression. The higher the compression, the better – provided the fuel can tolerate being squeezed that hard. Higher compression increases thermodynamic efficiency. The reason they don’t go any higher with petrol is because the fuel starts burning early and uncontrollably if you do.

Diesels are ignited by autoignition – the hot, pressurised conditions inside the chamber start the fuel burning spontaneously.

Hypothetically you can ignite petrol the same way, and manufacturers are actually working on that – compression-ignition-gasoline-direct-injection – but it’s very hard to control the burn across all petrol engine operating conditions, and that’s why those engines are just a neat experiment at this stage.

So, essentially, the ‘crutial’ flaw in your argument is that gasoline does not actually ‘withsand’ higher ‘preassure’. And as a final point I’d suggest that a ‘partickel’ filter doesn’t really combat smog – it traps soot, which is not a precursor to photochemical smog. It just gives you cancer, ‘were you breathe’. But I guess it must be hard for you to think straight, Issy, with all those ‘infrasounds’ booming around in that empty fucking head of yours. The solution is clear. Stop breathing, son. Were no you breathing: Problem solved – gene pool incrementally detoxed.

Congratualtions, Isak. Well deserved. You are cock of the week. The commemorative half-inch King Dick wrench will thrust itself through your door in a matter of days. Delivery is via Buraq air and FPC – Fat Prophet Couriers: they go places nobody else can. And, might I suggest, the half-inch King Dick will fit like a crown in your case, Isy. My cock and I will be hard at it for the next seven days, pounding the pavement, and sifting through the bile and vitriol to decide who is worthy of the King Dick wrench next week.

Don’t miss this rock solid opportunity to be acknowledged for who you really are. If you’re an illiterate spastic, if your parents were related, or if you spent a lot of time catching and not pitching in prison – don’t view these things as disadvantages. In many areas of life they might hold you back, but here, it really helps. Take the challenge. Will you be just another nut, or a total cock?

Only time will tell.

That’s it this week. Have a great weekend.